Tuesday, January 4, 2011

I’m in awe of Metalwikileaks. If I had to write an article for them, then this is it.

Khiladi guitarist and ace ciggie-bummer, Ashu has a lousy Christmas!

7:00 am. 25th December 2010. Ashu wakes up to an unusual feeling around his toes and ankles. Even though he was wearing socks, (to shelter his extremities from the absolutely frigid 4-day long Mumbai winter) a cold, plastic-like, scratchy sensation inside them could only mean one thing – Santa Claus had stuffed his stockings during the night. In gay circles, Santa Claus and stuffing a stocking (in the same sentence) would mean that shit-loads on anal lube had been procured for a night of festivities and fudge-packing. Furthermore, “Joy to the world, the king has come” would also mean exactly what it means in non-gay circles.

But we digress. On further inspection of his stuffed socks, Ashu was shocked to find a full carton of cigarettes! Yup. One full carton. Of cigarettes. Unlit.

That’s when Ashu knew that Santa was an asshole. Said Ashu when questioned about why he felt cheated/ sore/lost : “What’s the point of having a cigarette if it’s not been bummed off someone? (Note: Ashu’s ace ciggie-bumming moves have taken years of patience, training and extreme loss of trust amongst his friends)

Our correspondent spoke to Santa earlier this morning and asked him for a comment. Said the grand old man of the North : Fuck this shit. I just wanted to make Christmas easy for Ashu’s remaining friends. I’ve been getting letters written in blood from these kids in Mumbai asking me to stuff Ashu’s stockings, bags, underwear and even his guitar case with enough smokes to last till next Christmas. I was just being myself. I was being a “Cigarette” Santa, if you get my drift. (Note: No, Santa, we don’t. And puns suck donkey balls)